A Midsummer Night's Dream

So, at last I reached where I can study psychology.

In California State University, Fresno, I was enrolled with several psychology classes: Introduction to Counseling, Child Psychology, Cognitive Psychology, etc. Registering those classes was such an exciting moment.

Meanwhile, after a brief stay at an old Japanese lady's house during a break, I moved to another studio apartment near CSU Fresno. This unit was designed to share a kitchen with the neighbour, but you had a complete privacy in your own room. As students do not use much of the kitchen, it was quite comfortable and reasonable that way.

I met new friends in CSU Fresno.

Some came from Malaysia and I started seeing one of Malaysian Chinese who also worked in one of the Japanese restaurant. The other Korean boyfriend I had from Bakersfield moved on to other Korean girl and also moved to Los Angeles.

It is a bit funny that I never dated anyone from Japan or US. Though I had several close friends, it never happened as I anticipated.

And for some reason, I made a very close friend who also lived in the same apartment lot and he was from Kuwait via London where his family lived. He, I call him Al here, was a gay who never had any interest in women whole his life except for Madonna. I liked him a lot and we hang around together like closest girlfriends. He came from a wealthy family: he loved Jean-Paul Gaultier and dressed smart all the time.

With him and two other Malaysian girls were the gang, and we often spent evening together.

And one day, Al confessed he was HIV positive did not think he would live long.

At that time he was 21 years old. Being young, cool, and stylish, there was no sign of illness in him. I had a hard time accepting the fact.

By the middle of the first quarter in CSU Fresno, I discovered that my family back in Japan can't send any tuition this year as my father's business got into a problem and so was my mother. Trying to help father out, my mother became a guarantor to his loan, now his debt was on her as well.

The tuition fee for the foreign students was very high. I managed to earn enough for living expenses, but that is never enough to pay for the tuition.

So helpless and depressed, I walked towards the registration office in CSU Fresno. I had no choice but to withdraw all the classes because I could not pay.

F-1 student visa expires if you are not enrolled full-time. Not only that I had to withdraw all the classes I finally managed to register, but also I had to leave US in a few months.

My part-time restaurant employer was a successful and kind Japanese gentleman, and he offered me an option. His friend in San Fransisco could hire me but without a legal permit.

Though I was tempted, I did not want to be a illegal alien and live like a criminal. I thanked him for kind help, but I decided to leave US if I had to.

I called Embassy of Japan to find out if there was any scholarship offered by Japanese government or charity organisation. The lady picked up the phone told me off there was no such thing.

The scholarship in California was limited to the residents at least for the undergraduate. There really was no one to seek help. It was probably one of the most bitter moment of my life. I was helpless 22 years old with no degree (except AA from Bakersfield College) and no proper working experience. No green card or right to work. Though I loved living in Fresno, I could not stay there anymore.

It happened to be the time for my Malaysian boyfriend and other friends to finish school and go back to Malaysia for good. He asked me if I wanted to come with him and see if I could find the job there. My friends said that the economy in Malaysia was booming and it would a good time to go there.

But I had no idea where or what kind place Malaysia was. My American friends were all worried because they also had no idea and did not sound like it was a wise thing to do. I was scared too. Malaysia is an Islamic country and I was not sure if a foreign woman like me can survive there.

The other choice was to go back to Japan and save enough money to come back to Fresno. But both Japan and US were under the recession and there was no guarantee that I can earn enough money to come back soon...or to find a good job in the first place.

So I made the decision. Let me go to Malaysia and see what's up there. If there is a good job, fine, I shall come back to US with enough savings. If not, then I would finally give up and go back to Japan as the last resort.

My boyfriend went back to Malaysia first to explain his family about me. As we planned to live with his family until we find the jobs, so he needed time to speak to his family - a typical Chinese family, he said - to accept me.

The day before I finally left Fresno, I spent the whole day with Al. We talked a lot...we cried together and we promised to see each other again in future.

At that time, Madonna's "I Remember" was popular. He said he would always remember me when he listened that song.

I too remember him every time I listen to that song.

From Malaysia I wrote to him once or twice, but he did not somehow reply to me. I was too scared to call the number in London and Kuwait he gave me, because his family might give me the worst news I fear. So until this day, I lost in touch with him. But I remember his friendship and miss him very much.

I took Greyhound from Fresno to Los Angeles. Looking at the window, the bus passed the familiar scenery of the city of Fresno. I cried silently. I felt indignation with my fate.

And I swore that when I come back here one day, I come back legally with enough fund to support myself. I swore that I would never be helpless again: I will take over the control over my life.

My university life as a psych major had vanished as if it was a midsummer night's dream.

But I still had a hope. I knew things could not go worse than this. It could only get better, not worse.